Of-late I have remained disturbed, disillusioned.
What is the point of so much success in business when its fruits (i.e. money) doesn’t give me a peaceful mind? What is the point of this inflated sense of pride (read. ego) when I can’t have a healthy relationship with my own family? What is the point of remaining so busy, when I can hardly make conversations with my “friends” beyond an occasional watsapp message?
As a matter of fact, I have come to the conclusion that every material achievement requires sacrifice. Be it your effort, time, ethics or anything else. Once you get there, you are engulfed by a sense of hollowness – because of the sacrifices you had to make.
Pandavas felt so too, when they realized that they had no family left, after the dreaded war of kurukshetra. How am I going to be any different? I have been so driven by such great ambition but even quarter-way-there, I can sense volatility within my own value system.
Is money in bank any different from money in stocks/ property/ cash in hand? A gold-bar is any different than jewellery made of gold? Isnt it about the value derived?
Then how is man different from one another? How is their spirit different from one another? And if they are not different (essentially like gold), then why so much variance?
I have come to the conclusion (almost) that I took course of atheism in life to escape from unbelievable content that religion provided. It got worse when I experienced its emptiness, its commercialization and its discourse!
But I conveniently ignored that just like few-bad-episodes-of-Delhi dont make me a rapist; few (okay much more than few!) wrong examples of religion doesnt dismiss the entire philosophy!
More importantly, my own disillusionment about things, about people, and about life in general has to count. If at 34 I am feeling discontented, maybe the method is to be blamed? Maybe atheism is not the answer. Maybe faith is the answer…
I dont know how next few days shape up, but I am feeling quite determined to give it a real heart-felt attempt at embracing krishna-consciousness as my religious calling. I am not so sure how/ when/ how long/ how much success at it as yet; but I am sure I was looking answers at the wrong places. Maybe the right path is that of belief & optimism.