Mating with Marijuana

 

Hash, Cannabis, Pot, charas, Ganja, Bhaang, Dope, Grass or Marijuana; I have flirted with the idea of having them all through my life. At 35, I had had given a ‘shot’ to all sins except this one (tried bhaang in college holi, but very mild and almost non-existent when compared to beer that followed)…

I thought I had run out of my primetime – 35 is the age when sane people aren’t flirting with the thought of consuming mind-altering drug (unless of course, they have a fucked-up existence!)

So when I (buoyed by my wife) ended up at this hole in the wall “govt authorised” shop, I didn’t think twice before parting away with my money and getting hold of “the bounty”. Two thousand rupees lighter, my wallet didn’t complain as I walked out with 5 strong-drug laced cookies and a small jar of marijuana.

WhatsApp Image 2019-01-08 at 12.50.48 PM.jpeg

 

Having tried almost all sins – figuratively and otherwise as stated above; this was more of a “final frontier” for me more than really looking for a nirvana state.

“Give half to the ladies” – is all the shop-owner told me. He didn’t warn anything else. I didn’t expect anything else beyond the tipsy, drunkard state one experiences after alcohol. After all, that’s how it went in college holi…

Me and a friend had half-a-cookie each in afternoon. We were jittery so that half was consumed slowly and after a lot of gap between each bite. After-effect: Nothing, nothing scandalous at all! I felt a certain slowness, a slow blur with which things moved. He felt it too. But overall it was well within the limits and we dismissed the marijuana-laced-cookies as mild, impotent and even fake.

That evening as we were consumed in the local fair, he egged me on to try more. Feeling underwhelmed with our afternoon affairs, I confidently had another cookie and so did he. This time though, my wife (yeah the one who took us to that shop!) had half a cookie too. But again, like afternoon, nothing happened and we quietly went about our business and retired to our respective rooms.

At around 9:30pm (a couple of hours since having them in evening), the real mayhem started. Initially I found myself overthinking and asking her to take things normally as I was not finding things under control. And then I realised that she was having a worse time herself. We somehow tried to make our son sleep, as I stepped out of the room and waited.

The mind, the devil (or the angel) that it can be; plays the strangest of games. Your thoughts start melting into each other like a free-flow of fluids in an empty container. One second you are thinking about your son sleeping in the room while your English class in class IVth becomes the next thought. A few seconds later, an amalgamation of thoughts flood the mind. Thats what bhaang/ marijuana can do to you.

But the night didn’t end, yet. The wife, trippy herself, couldn’t take it at all. She asked for the doctor in middle of desert and when one couldn’t be arranged, forced me to take her to one along with hotel’s manager. A couple of tragic and scared hours later (now “funny” is how I’d describe them though), we were back to the hotel room with our son sleeping with friend’s wife.

We lay down on the bed, both extremely hallucinating; and I tried to tell my wife to stay positive and try getting some sleep when ironically, I had no fucking clue how to do it myself.

And thats when it started…

Lord Krishna from 1980s series, Mahabharata, dressed in his golden attire and peacock’s feather in his crown, made his appearance (mind you, I am still in the highest state of trance) –

Lord Krishna: Do you know why you are hallucinating?

Mohit: No, god. Is it the end? Is that how life ends? Are you here to take me? Given my (mis) deeds, is that hell?

Lord Krishna (smiling): No. But I created this havoc, this playground in your mind to drive the point home. Normally, people form a bond of trust with me, and follow me unquestionably. You, however turned out to be an atheist of the highest order – so I had to infuse illusions in your mind and lead you here for our meeting. 

Mohit: I’m sorry but I don’t understand. You mean, you made me have marijuana?

Lord Krishna: You refused to agree to my existence till you saw me. What choice did I have? 

Mohit is silent. 

Lord Krishna: You were mine from the moment I created you, put you in your mother’s womb. How could you not agree that I can do whatever with your life, wherever and whenever I want?

There are two types of people – 1 who follow me and 2 who are my servants.

Those who follow me, I show them the light and they reach their destination. Those who don’t follow this simple thing; I intervene and remind them that they ultimately belong to me and have to follow my orders like a servant.

You my dear, are of the second kind. And thats why this whole episode of today’s over-consumption and subsequent hallucinations is conceived. I had to have my tete-a-tete with you!

Mohit (folding hands): O dear god. I am convinced. I have been a foolish to deny your presence. Please also guide me why you created this trivial being in the first place?

Lord Krishna: As I said before, you are from the servant kind (and not the follower). So you have to be told everything. Fair enough. From now on, whenever you feel you do not know the right answer to something, you just have to close your eyes and think of this night, this conversation, this meeting. I will immediately appear and instruct you correctly…

No change the world, save the nation, eradicate poverty and hunger, bring revolution through writing, create a powerhouse of wealth, or other such tasks that you deem important – were meant for you. 

I created you to do two simple things. Keep your wife and son happy. Thats it! But you fail to see the simplicity of it. You are consumed with “world domination” all the time.

I created your world thousands of years back and I created uncountable number of men and women. Didn’t I? You think I’d give every responsibility to 1 of my creations, and that too from the servant class? 

Mohit: god, that sounds too simple. and if I may add, not much of an achievement…

Lord Krishna: You and your arrogance! Okay, I assign you an ancillary task then. But mind you, it’s still not your main responsibility. Wherever you find any injustice being done around you, intervene and try to find the fair way out. It could be anywhere, in your society; among your friends and family, at your workplace etc. 

Mohit (with folded hands): I will follow both to the T. please tell me if I will ever find an end to this hallucination or not. Frankly it’s too much to bear really.

Lord Krishna (smiling): Thats exactly why I don’t usually make appearances. My form is infinite and it is very overwhelming for mortals to bear. Anyway I assure you that these hallucinations will end shortly. And I also assure you that a week or so later, you would have forgotten about this conversation.

But remember to think of me whenever in doubt or trouble. Just as my servant, it is your duty to follow my commands; as your master – it is my responsibility to attend to you whenever you seek me. And don’t bring your non-believer ego in between. This will remain “our” little secret.

…and yes, since you think of yourself as a writer, document this conversation. Maybe some “followers” or “servants” end up reading it and believing it and profiting from it.

 

I think this conversation would have lasted for an hour and a half; of course generously laden with a million random thoughts. But it must have surely ended at 1:32AM, because as I woke up and looked at the clock, my hallucinations were over.

 

I can’t say that marijuana is for everyone. I can’t even say if it worked for me. But in hindsight, I had a memorable time (minus the trip to the doctor) and most definitely answered my existential questions for life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2019 Goals and Happiness

It is time to review the year, and the life too!

I have been ambitious like an I-banker; but lately have learnt the calming effect of minimalism like a monk. Currently I am somewhere in between. It is but a fact that I will sway towards the latter (like all ageing people do), so I just document the stuff that makes me happy, uncensored –

  • Family. I am being naked here – I don’t consider family beyond my wife and son. They are the ones who care for my happiness, and I for them. My parents are of course around for me (and I for them) but the “connect” of being a family is somewhere blurred. It is sad but it is so. Lying doesn’t help (we still do, to “rest of the world”). So my happiness is mostly coming from and dependent on Pragya and Luv’s well-being.
  • Money. I am quite rich (self wealth). I am proud of it. I take stock of my situation almost every other day as I fear it will all be gone or will stop growing. It is stupid to think so, but that’s how I am. Maybe this insecurity is helpful, as it keeps me balanced in my approach towards spending. But maybe it is not helpful as it keeps me over anxious towards making more money. Nevertheless, I am financially well-placed and even if my income was to stop with immediate effect; I still have around 55-years of expenses in my savings as of today (not counting interest income/ inflation on expenses)! I think thats pretty healthy. So it makes me happy.
  • As stated in opening, I am fiercely ambitious (bad!) and anything that doesn’t promise me world-domination doesn’t excite me. I am mistaken that if you don’t rule like kings do or save the streets like superheroes do; its not worth doing. Somewhere I know this is foolish; yet this is who I am. To tone down my self expectations; I keep my ambition beyond money limited to becoming a best-selling author someday (ironically, tougher odds than most other goals! yet, this is a mellow-version of me). This particular period of my life (2018) I have not been working towards it, yet the thought stays so I am bound to get it (thats how it works… if some thought stays with you, then it means it is the real “you”). For 2019, the goal is to finish manuscript in first half of the year, and then hopefully get it published in December 2019. The idea is solid, story is sure to work. I hopefully pen it well enough.
  • Working Out (1.5hours), Going to office (2.5hours), Writing on above manuscript (2hours) Watching a movie (2hours)- 4 activities for 8 hours that I need to do every single day in 2019 (actually 5 days/week, so 260 days in 2019). I have sort of come to realise that these 4 self-activities give me maximum pleasure and improve my self-worth. They are also bound to give me maximum return in my long-term goals. 8-hours/day for self, 8-hours for sleeping, and the balance 8-hours for “everything else”. Amen

Month-end Finances as on 30th September 2018

Firstly, happy birthday me 🙂 I turn 35 this month, a landmark year for myself given that I am into numbers/ landmarks/ events etc. (no dont think of Subodh-Dil Chahta Hai! I am not him. lmao). Anyway 35 is important to me. I typify it with middle-age, and also the beginning of second innings of my life.

But because this is going to be a sad post financially (yet again!), I will start with something encouraging; a look at my financial future assuming all things remain constant from here on –

This is a tentative look at how my net-worth shall progress, if I do-

  1. no further new investments
  2. start eating my capital for annual expenses, and at 5% inflation y-on-y basis
  3. draw a modest 9% return on my capital! 

cool isn’t it? It means I could retire right away, live a lavish life henceforth and still leave my son a hefty legacy if I die at 80 in 2063! That will be 180cr then (@5% inflation, its PV is 20cr.) I suddenly feel so upbeat about my finances ! haha. I can begin the sad post with poise now…

Firstly the markets. NIFTY was down by -6.39% indicating a possible bear run in the market. Even though it is alarming; I am not overly loosing sleep yet because (a) have enough cushion in form of debt-holdings (b) I see it as a minor blip in the large scheme of things, i.e., 10-15 year horizon.

Still the numbers speak of misery imposed. My portfolio went down by -3.76%. While it may not ring alarm bells – the absolute figure does, -53lac! Honestly, if/when I am really looking at a market-linked portfolio size of 25-cr as the dream is; a monthly alpha of 1cr will be mind-boggling!

So the market vis-a-vis portfolio looked like below –

Nifty50 change Portfolio change
30/08/18 11,676.00 ₹ 13,95,03,586
30/09/18 10,930.00 -6.39% ₹ 13,42,62,730 -3.76%

 

While the overall breakup was as below –

Portfolio: ₹ 13,42,62,730
EQUITY ₹5,01,43,943 Stocks: ₹97,64,163 37%
PMS: ₹69,50,000
Mutual Funds (E): ₹3,34,29,780
DEBT ₹8,41,18,787 Tax-Free Debts: ₹1,20,18,000 63%
Loans/FDs: ₹2,35,00,000
Mutual Funds (D): ₹4,86,00,787

*Equity: Debt ratio is supposed to be 40:60 under ideal circumstances. However due to fall in equity markets; the percentage breakup looks skewed. I hope it shall correct by itself in due course.

 

Lessons from September?

  1. Do not indulge too much in trading. pff. Still have an open position in RIL 25OCT FUT, and given the volatility; it is expected to give more sleepless nights ahead…
  2. A bad advisor is a bad advisor. period. He cannot improve with passing time. reference: SMC advisor. (ps: this could be a life advise/ lesson too) Do not expect asses to turn into horses in due course just because they are working in the same line-of-work!
  3. Legacy. One must leave behind a certain measurable/large legacy for their next generation; especially when one could. Only investing in their education/ upbringing isn’t enough – again especially when you could. Will do a detailed post on it separately.

 

Thats it for the wrap up. I am looking for a few silent months especially during festivities upto Christmas. A mini-target is to stare at 15-cr by year-end; largely funded by new investments than any jackpots from the market.

 

As a closing comment (copied) –

The stock market dropping feels like when my wife gets angry. I know there’s a reason but I’m still completely clueless and I’ve heard if I spend money things will get better.

Month-end Finances as on 31 August 2018

Money-wise, this has been a happy month for me. I like writing such posts : ) 🙂 🙂

Even though I am not entirely proud of my writing schedule, either on the blog or for my book (both have been practically non-existent) – the investment portfolio is soaring.

Also there is a famous saying, “When you have nothing to say, say nothing.” I guess that summarises my state for writing of-late. Its not that I am short on plots; but my mind-space is filled with business (logistics, portfolio, travel). Its not necessarily a bad thing…

Life is a palate of colours and I can’t brush it all blue even though it may be my favourite colour! So WRITING is blue for me. But other colours are important too.

Anyway back to money.

Disclaimer: my portfolio has skewed hugely towards debt now – deliberately. And so benchmarking against NIFTY50 shall almost always show that I am underperforming. Nifty50 is large cap stocks, while my portfolio is less than 40% equity now! So I am going to include a third column of performance – 40% equity performance as well (even though my actual target is 35% equity, yet I do it 40% to put little pressure on myself). This shall hopefully give a more accurate picture. Time for the snapshot:

Nifty50 change Portfolio change equity growth
31/07/18 11,356.00 5.99% ₹ 13,80,55,618 5.30%
30/08/18 11,676.00 2.82% ₹ 13,98,72,883 1.32% 2.80%

Firstly the markets are doing well.

Secondly the portfolio grew 1.32% but equity too matched the market and grew 2.80%! Now thats quite neat! Some major movements I made –

  • booked profits in RIL scrip. Looking back, I sold them a little too early. but no regrets, I made over 100% profit in less than 2 years!
  • finally got rid of (rather it expired) the hybrid fund. it yield 6% over last 3years. but its chapter is over now.
  • increased exposure to PMS products. I will rather do less indulgence in small-caps and let professionals do that job.. learnt the hard-way.
  • most importantly – made huge investments in debt-portfolio. 2cr in a liquid fund, 1cr in a bank FD. The idea is to make 5lac per month fixed income from 8cr debt fund investments. I know at my age, it is a conservative thing to do – but given the high stakes, it is important to do so.

Current portfolio as below –

Portfolio: ₹ 13,98,72,883
Direct Stocks ₹1,23,35,901 38%
Equity MF ₹4,07,14,044
Debt MF ₹5,05,99,938 56%
Bonds&FDs ₹2,83,72,000
Bank A/C ₹28,51,000 6%
Loans Given ₹50,00,000

Targets for March, 2020 as below (1.5years) –

TARGETS: ₹20,00,00,000
DEBT ₹8,00,00,000
REAL ESTATE ₹5,00,00,000
EQUITY ₹7,00,00,000

Notice the new addition in above. I have been foolish to ignore it, but again, I learn things the long way than short. Anyway Real-estate shouldn’t be ignored especially in a developing economy. I am going to put 25% weightage to it, with a view to get 4-5% rental income but more importantly, look at capital appreciation over a 20-year horizon.

This money (for real estate) will be coming out of my business. As explained before,  the business isn’t doing too well so it is prudent to take out money and invest in portfolio – especially with an eye at the future!

 

Fingers crossed…

 

Month-end Finance as on 31July2018

Ahh.. the musky deer… the white elephant… the.. the.. nirvana fountain – it is here !

 

After months, and months, and months, and months of waiting; I finally look forward to writing a post about my month-end finances. Why shouldn’t I? Markets are at an all-time high and for the first time – my portfolio too has responded positively to it, yay!

I just couldn’t stop smiling, ear-to-ear. Life feels good, when your plan is working – however pint-sized it may be! All those elusive terms like delayed gratification, the famous marshmallow test, finally start to make sense.

However, time for some new lessons too. The flight cannot last forever, so it would be prudent to think ahead. The markets are high today – it will come down sooner or later (and then go up again). But first some numbers –

 

Nifty50 change Portfolio change
30/06/18 10,714.00 -0.20% ₹ 9,82,94,928 -1.57%
20/07/18 11,356.00 5.99% ₹ 11,03,55,618* 5.30%

*includes loans given, their impact however isn’t considered in % change in portfolio

 

Nifty increase by 6% is matched by a 5.3% increase in portfolio is not bad at all! If I consider it on a 7-month scale (i.e. from January 2018 to July 2018), then Nifty has only increased by a mere 3.08% while portfolio increased by 4.38%! Cool isn’t it?

 

CREDIT GOES TO –

  • spectacular show my RELIANCE. My most favourite scrip in the stock markets. It has given me trading profits (F&O), it has given growth profits (held shares) and till last year, it has given me business profits too ! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • overall market euphoria which pushes everything up, up, up

 

The asset columns now looks like below –

Portfolio: ₹ 11,03,55,618
Direct Stocks ₹1,65,86,847 49%
Equity MF ₹3,71,53,020
F&O ₹3,51,280
Debt MF ₹3,03,73,470 44%
Bonds&FDs ₹1,76,72,000
HDFC Bank ₹16,08,000 7%
IndusInd ₹1,11,000
Loans Given ₹50,00,000
Metals ₹15,00,000

A neat 11-crore!

Some food for thought, for coming months –

  1. The business income/targets have been reduced considerably. Well, the income reduced first and for my own mental sanctity – I have readjusted the targets too, to fall in line. I know its hard, but thats life. You have to adjust, then readjust to maintain your sanity…
  2. On my broker’s pestering (yeah, same SMC guy. He is clever I tell you!), I got into F&Os. Like any new marriage, this one has yielded a happy time so far. I am being cautious – but I never know with myself
  3. I intend to aggressively dabble into real-estate investments and make them an active part of the portfolio. Part inspiration has come from re-reading RichDadPoorDad-series. Part comes from the fact that real-estate is low for a while now (good time to buy, eh). But the biggest part comes from the fact that I foresee active-business income to continue going down – so it is the right time to aggressively further swell the portfolio.

My ideal investment portfolio target for March-2023 is as below (Robert Kiyoski inspired):

Asset

Theme

Value

Rental Property Passive Income ₹ 3,00,00,000
Other Property Growth ₹ 4,00,00,000
Bank FD & Tax-Free Bonds Passive Income ₹ 2,00,00,000
Debt Funds Passive Income ₹ 3,00,00,000
Equity Mutual Funds (mix cap) Growth ₹ 6,00,00,000
Stocks & Trading Growth ₹ 2,00,00,000

Passive Income (6%) from April, 2023:  4,00,000 every month!

Active Income (business) from April, 2023: ₹ 10,00,000 every month!

Growth NOTIONAL Income (10%) from April, 2023: ₹ 10,00,000 every month!

 

 

BUT AS I ALWAYS SAY, IF ONLY LIFE COULD FOLLOW MY DICTATION…. AMEN!

 

Month-end Finance as on 30th JUNE 2018

A late post…

partly because of laziness, busy schedule…

but mostly because of NOTHING NEW TO SAY!

 

I will make it short and crisp. Self-loathing can be demoralising beyond a point…

The markets were pretty volatile.. Nifty ended up roughly in the same zone (-0.20%)

My portfolio was heavily volatile.. It ended up -1.57%!

Nifty50 change Portfolio change
30/04/18 10,739.00 6.19% ₹ 10,09,97,951 4.34%
31/05/18 10,736.00 -0.03% ₹ 9,98,59,850 -1.13%
30/06/18 10,714.00 -0.20% ₹ 9,82,94,928 -1.57%

 

But finally I took some corrective action (yay!)

It may not reflect immediately, but it shall surely (hopefully, pray-fully, mercifully…) yield something over 8-10 months. I exited some dud midcap stocks, booked my losses, brought down my overdraft in trading portfolio, and the overall trading portfolio itself!

I am not a trader. Period.

If I am an investor or not – it shall be discovered over next couple of years.

Overall portfolio looks like –

Portfolio: ₹ 9,80,58,178
Direct Stocks ₹1,35,59,095
Equity MF ₹3,35,32,176
Debt MF ₹3,23,56,907
Bonds&FDs ₹1,76,10,000
HDFC Bank ₹3,92,000
IndusInd ₹1,08,000
cash ₹5,00,000

I am not happy with the dip…

But I can live with it… As long as I dont repeat the mistakes… And there’s some light at the end of this tunnel…!

 

 

 

 

 

 

BEFORE you become rich